Being Manipulated By A Pro … The Narcissist

Fearful people are more dependent, more easily manipulated and controlled, more susceptible to deceptively simple, strong, tough measures and hard-line postures. … They may accept and even welcome repression if it promises to relieve their insecurities …. George Gerber

The Clinical Definition

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder generally believe that the world revolves around them. This condition is characterized by a lack of ability to empathize with others and a desire to keep the focus on themselves at all times. Related Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, and Histrionic Personality Disorder.

How This Translates In The Real World …

Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves arrogant behavior, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration-all of which must be consistently evident at work and in relationships. People who are narcissistic are frequently described as cocky, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. Narcissists may concentrate on unlikely personal outcomes (i.e., fame) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. Narcissism involves cockiness, manipulativeness, selfishness, power motives, and vanity-a love of mirrors.

Narcissists tend to have high self-esteem. However, narcissism is not the same thing as self-esteem; people who have high self-esteem are often humble, whereas narcissists rarely are. Therapist used to believe that narcissists have high self-esteem on the surface, but deep down they are insecure. However, the latest studies indicate that narcissists are actually secure or grandiose at both levels. Onlookers may infer that insecurity is there because narcissists tend to be defensive when their self-esteem is threatened (i.e., being ridiculed); narcissists can be aggressive. The sometimes dangerous lifestyle may more generally reflect sensation-seeking or impulsivity (i.e., risky sex, bold financial decisions).

Learn To Spot Them Before They Spot You!

• Reacts to criticism with anger, shame or humiliation
• Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals – they are very good at telling you what you want to hear
• Exaggerates own importance – they may lie about their job, family life, parents, etc to make themselves seem better than what they are. Chances are, they often believe these lies as well
• Exaggerates achievements and talents
• Entertains unrealistic fantasies about success, power, beauty, intelligence or romance
• Has unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment
• Requires constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
• Is easily jealous
• Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
• Has obsessive self-interest
• Pursues mainly selfish goals

Also, narcissists are usually physically attractive and charming at first glance, so they may have advantages when they first meet people (making a sale, getting a first date, gaining popularity). However, the long-term outcomes for narcissists are usually quite dismal, especially socially (i.e., long-term relationship difficulties). On average, levels of narcissism drop quite dramatically by age 30 per studies – however, I’m here to tell you, THIS IS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE.

Treatment For A Narcissist

Clinical treatment is rare because most narcissists avoid therapy. However, narcissists can learn to be more caring about others, and narcissism can be reduced when these individuals are included in social groups.  Psychotherapy may be useful in getting the individual with narcissistic personality disorder to relate to others in a less maladaptive manner.

Overcoming A Relationship With A Narcissist

Many people are led to the discovery of Narcissistic Personality Disorder in response to an extremely difficult relationship that has left them feeling depleted, used up and discarded. While online support groups can be helpful, stories of abuse can only take one so far! One can actually find themselves stuck in their stories! They may end up feeling so victimized by the experiences they went through while living with a narcissistic mate that they are moved to tell the story of what happened to them over and over.

The primary purpose for wanting to tell their stories is that they are looking for some kind of validation that they are really not as crazy as one may feel one is. If one tell others about what happened and they agree with them that the person has just experienced a type of abuse, it is a confirmation of something they may be feeling deep down.  I find many people continue to seek validation that their ex-mate was indeed a narcissist. This is not productive!

It doesn’t really matter whether or not that person has received a diagnosis of narcissism or whether or not s/he would if s/he were evaluated. What does matter is that you recognize that you were in a relationship that did not support your empowerment as an individual.  We can spent our days dwelling on the topic of narcissism; or we can move on in our lives!  It is good to initially understand what narcissism is so we can make sense out of what happened. Making sense out of things helps us restore our sanity. However, the truth is, we can’t really make sense out of narcissism. It doesn’t make sense!

Any abusive personality does not live in the same reality we do and when we try to evaluate the situation from our perspective of reality it will never fit. You have to come to realize you were dealing with someone from another planet, so to speak. It would be a futile effort to try to understand someone who is from another planet who doesn’t think, feel, or react as we do. We would have to eventually just come to accept that we are different from them.

It is the same with Narcissism. I like to look at narcissism as simply the result of a very damaged childhood. Many of us feel we come from damaged childhoods, it’s certainly not unusual, however we all develop different sets of defenses to cope with our environment.  Narcissism is simply a set of defenses one has developed that has prevented him/her from relating to others in a loving, caring way for any length of time.

Initially it can seem everything is great! But it’s like putting your hand on a stove and slowly turning up the heat. You don’t feel the pain at the beginning when everything is new and full of promise. But as you engage for longer periods of time the suppressed issues begin to rise the surface. This is when you begin to experience the abuse with the narcissist.  Over time his/her learned defenses begin to kick in to compensate for issues arising in the relationship, and there are always issues in any relationship.

A healthy relationship is simply a relationship where both parties find healthy solutions to the problems that come up.  You can’t have a healthy relationship with a narcissist because s/he is not healthy and has no real means to deal effectively with issues. One of his/her defenses is to project his/her issues onto you and hold you responsible for them.

It is not easy dealing with narcissists. You have to be an adult when they are running around acting like kids – it demands wisdom and strength. Narcissists exploit weakness, or they create it in people. They are charming. They make you feel you are the greatest, they make you dependent on their approval. I have known good narcissist and toxic narcissists. Understanding them and yourself is the only way to survive. Don’t criticize them (see why here). Remember that knowledge is not wisdom -wisdom is the ability to make the right choices.

Your quest now needs to shift from focusing on the narcissist and what s/he took from you, to focusing on knowing and understanding who you really are.  For help with moving into the next chapter in your life, please feel free to contact me here.